...as published on DECEMBER THE 30, 1994!
Greetings... It is my hope that this Listicle finds you in good health.
I've come to deliver good news - after a long stint near the University where young magelings fire off illusions late into the night, I have packed my vials and instruments in pursuit of a new lair! The ancient building of my object towers above the central district of my city, its courtyard of dim lamplight illuminating the english ivy that scales its walls. It was built by an architect supposedly most doomed, who, in his pursuit of grandeur, spared no expense in the construction of this inimitable fortress. This is remarkably evident. Ornamental finials line its apex... autumnal stained glass crowns the entrance... my impulse to indulge in the classical image of arcany is overwhelming. If there be a better time to recommend elements for a mage's study, I certainly cannot divine it :P
The components I suggest may be beneficial for such quarters are:
Of course, these are mere suggestions. The most important practice for any mage is to spinozally flee from precedent and requirement, i.e. do whatchawant.
Rarely has there been so recognizable nor memetic a staple as that oddity found lining many an altar, study, or scrying chamber; this one we call the crystal ball. This once-called crystallium orbis has been the focus of much imagery concerning spellcasters as of late, and thusly rises to the top of my list. Though a part of our practice for many years, it has entered into vogue and become hip with the kinder. Who would find themselves deprived of want to scry afar, to know acertain? I welcome these developments. Alas, greenhorn casters, I urge you: CAUTION... an instrument such as this is also useful for another purpose - reducing one's spire to a smoldering ash heap. Direct light from the sun harmless though at its departure may be magnified into a stray beam of concentrated fire, laden with potential for destructions. Yes, truly, your own tools may be used agaisnt you by that foul lady entropy. If you read this still while your crystal ball lays unprotected in your chambers: scramble, imbecile!! Cloth-cover thick enough to hold its own against the sky would be advisable, while also providing for a manner of flair in the orb's presentation to guests. Spare this at your disposal, I might recommend a noble drawer for its keeping.
Once stored with propriety, a crystal ball might be well-served by a small, skirted table from which to divine fortunes, the instrument kept therein upon a decorative pillow in its exact center. While this may be not a novel arena for its use, its traditionality will grant your practice a sense of historic credence and yourself, likely, with a sense of satisfaction in its sensibly appropriate keeping. This is, by no means, the only setting in which it might be utilized, and it is in truth kept most commonly on side tables and altars in the medium of contemporary practice. Allow me to confirm in the sorcerer that his inclination for the usage of this tool, whatever it may be, is correct.
Ah, the drafting of correspondences, the craft of mechanistic, arcanic, and alchemical fabrications, the tireless midnight scouring of dust-bitten tomes... the well-attained writing desk is the stage for the sorcerer's menagerie of hijinx, so let it be an appropriate one! Questions for the rennovating mage might ask himself in pursuit of this end:
The most important tool subsequent to your answering of these questions is patience. I advise you clasp your hands behind your back for a stroll upon the market, keeping one eye watchful for quality and the other for price. Gone are the days of the magus advisor, held up in court aside riches and bounty! This reader, is the epoch of the starving wizard, who has great need for thrift in his pursuits. To this end, might I suggest persuing, too, crubside dumpster furnitures, Craig's List, the Face-Book Marketplace, or the homes of soon-relocated friends and acquaintances. There are arenas of resplendent relief of expense, if only a sage have the gall to wait. It is the hope of your humble author that these suggestions might set you off in the direction of a bureau suited to your aims and their manifest :33
In this vein, however, I have already deceived you - I have procured, weeks before this day, a roll-top writing desk, built by the Mennonites some half-century ago. It is made of fine, solid oak with inner compartments that hover four inches above the penning-plane. Outfitted with many drawers and a quill-hold, it has provided me already an invaluable base of operations. To this end it has served my purpose well, housing a variety of ancient mass market tomes and obscuring the intricacies of my practice from prying eyes. The gentleman who brought it to market, whom I call the the Amish Dealer, regaled to me his initial purchase of it from another, of unknown trade or origin, who once lived upon the banks of the I-5. This Amish Dealer kindly delivered it to my new abode with me in the car and too drove nigh exclusively the wrong way down one-way streets.
Tomes, the namesake of this very "web-page," act as the sage's looking-glass into truth, refined by the discretions of their authors into reflecting shades of reality therein. The indisposability of this asset has led to their becoming a stalpe of the mage' study and, more often than not, his home. The common storage tactic employed by those of academe is the time-tested bookstack, which can be found towering precariously in many a laboratory. The haste of the stack-gaggle is alluring to some, but let a sleepy wizard stumble over them while wandering in the dark and he will find himself in want of much! Nevertheless, we are not resigned to bookshelves for the keeping of tomes. Book-ended stacks may be placed along windowsills or side tables, where they will be lauded by a yet-to-come you for their remarkable ease of access. Fashion now dictates the use of wall-mounted shelves in storing small amounts of perhaps laterally relevant books.
In the collection of your volumes, reader, I would urge caution against the pursuit of antiquity for appearance's sake. Of course, your humble author has not been above the practice, but it is in pursuit of honesty and utilitarinist principles that we should keep tomes primarily that correspond to our areas of study, function, or interest. Nor should you let yourself be guided away from those literatures deemed fiction - disreality is sometimes the solitary lens through which certain insights may be gleaned. Regarless of content, it is my quaintest recommendation that you bring some glimmer of order to this, your burgeoning biblitechque. It has been found to be of use by some to organize these volumes into the Certain, the Uncertain, and the Phantasmic, defined as such:
Others have purported a system of two natures, those being Fictions and Non-fictions. I have, however, found this to be restrictive. Keeping in your studies an open mind. These are days of deception, in which all deceivers hark their profession to be the end of deception. Trust in aggregate. Devour all liars.
Touched upon by many pretentious men of old in addition to any walking being with a soul tied to this Only Place in which we live, the tool of nature is one that been honed by time. In modest harvest, it is a privilege to use this resource. Know too, these are not days of modest harvest. Armageddon looms closer now than it ever has before, and soon our world will be irrevocably changed. Cast your eyes, then, to the ground around you. Plants grow all around that have the ability to sustain you, even after the men in the asphalt towers have long since fled to the deep underground. Herbs! Consider collecting herbs and storing them with such implements as vials, fars, tubs, bins, hooks, etc. Consider which local flora are fit to your needs, or any needs you might have in time. Discover methods of domestic cultivation. Research their efficacy. Need thou balming of burns? Sustenance of life? Material for dye? Wisdom unknown? I know not of herbs, and only peddle my ramblings here. Nevertheless, it would only due increase a mage's breadth if he were to be able to use the world that grants to him life in order of both his and its own preservation. In these times of unforeseen treachery, let yourself become familiar with the landscape of your world - you may one day need it!
One would find that having designated space for reading encourages its practice. The reading chair provides then, the potential for greater access to the worldberth's knowledge. Know thyself. Know thy habits. I have been diagnosed as having four worms in my brain, called attention, deficit, hyperactive, and disorder, having been named by the forefathers of that disreputable practice of psychiatry. The little fiends demand movement from me in moments of idelness and study, as their unhallowed bodies have little respect for discipline. To appease the burrowers (from a land beyond and delivered to me by food colorations), I have found it of benefit to invest in a rocking chair in which to scour tomes. If you, my reader, perhaps wrestle a similar band of parasitry, consider this paltry but agreeable solution.
I recommend in the strongest of terms providing, at the least if space allows, the infrastructure to seat and speak awhile with guests visiting your home. Perhaps you feel as if there are no guests for you to have, but there are many lonely people out in these wilderness times. If only you allowed yourself the indiscretion of assuming all people utterly fascinating and capable of change and growth in community with others, you would reap indescribable reward. This, of course, is neither here, nor there. The well-kept settee or sofa is welcoming to the modern sensibilities, but this familiarity may also breed distance from the ideal of mage decor. Discretion is recommend and bestowed upon the reader.
Beyond seating, it is my recommendation that you fit your space (and your personal compendium of skill) to host and feed others. It is the honed ability of a mage both adept at kindness and interpersonal politic to provide forums for communion with others. The wayward traveler, weary by the road, may be a friend for life if only you feed him. The distant personal acquaintance, arms-length away, may become far closer after invitation to sup. If a wizard allows himself solitude, he spares himself the inconceivably valuable knwoledge found only in the richness of mankind, that wealth spilled only from their mouths. Perhaps this would invite the conniving or self-interested arcanist to pursue these relations only for their benefit, but let it be. It is my eblief that any who allow themselves truly to traverse unprejudiced the worlds of their fellow man will find newfound company wheat and disingeniousness chaff. My closing advice: keep an extra chair, cup, plate, cutler, and blanket. Who knows who will show up on your doorstep.. tonight.. in the rain..?
Other elements I care not elaborate on...
Hark!! My scrawling hand is pooped (i.e., fatigued (i.e., sleepy...)). So is my incomplete list of furnitures, ornaments, and functions that might adorn your very own wizardly quartering! Hath ye any more suggestions, e-mail these to me and I shall add them for the sake of the masses.
Unusually Yours,
Bartleby